Back from Texas

I'm back from Texas. Arrived last night at 6:30pm. Picked up Shorty from our friends Molly and Kevin. I always find myself reminiscing about places I've been to almost as soon as I get back. It's as if my body thinks it's still there. Or is it my mind?

Had a good conversation with my father-in-law on the way to the airport. As usual, the conversation turned to retirement and relevant subjects such as savings. At 63, my father-in-law is looking to retire in the next few years. Busing the busybody that I naturally am, I pried a little into his affairs asking him if he considered various ways to adjust to living on retirement. For example, living on less now, so that retirement isn't such a shock. He replied no, and asked him how he would be able to do that. I told him that one way would be to document all the fixed expenses and focus on minimizing them. I told him it would be hard because what we want to do and what we are willing to do are two different things. We talked about this for a little while and then switched topics to something not quite so personal. In the end, I realized that we have two different perspectives and how he chooses to live his life is his own.

Today's partial lyrics: "Happiness hit her like a train on a track, Coming towards her stuck still no turning back"

Snowstorms

Last night, I found myself driving head first into a snowstorm. 9pm and with visibility close to zero, I struggled to keep up with the tractor trailer in front of me. His red brake lights were all I had to know where the road was. It was unnerving at best, and I wondered if my taking classes an hour and half away was worth the extra safety risk.

Times like these make me question my decisions. I can be a bit foolhardy sometimes, and my mercurial temperament can make way to some not so good decisions. But it's also times like these that give me confidence.

What is Important?

I used to think sharing information about myself, my values, and my thoughts on life was an important way for people to "get to understand me". I now believe it is not so important.

I find myself spending more time figuring out exactly what I am passionate about and what I want out of this life.

In my progress towards this goal/journey, I strive to understand other people's perspectives and experiences in life. I find that although I possess an above average intelligence, what I am lacking is a variety of experiences.

I believe perfection is both a journey and a goal.

I find it difficult to balance what I need in life and what is good for me.

Volunteer

Started volunteering at the local hospital yesterday. It felt good. I've come to the realization that I can either chase happiness for myself or learn to help others and find happiness within.

Inspiration

Anytime I get depressed, I think about my Grandfather and how after the Korean War, he was left alone without a family and very little money and somehow managed to start a business in spite of it all. It's this knowledge that drives me to push onwards, well-aware that too many generations before me have sacrificed too much for me to give up now.

When he died in 2007, I've never felt so completely useless. After years of being an engineer and confident in being able to "fix" things, I was confronted with a problem that I could not solve. It is at this point that I came to the realization that death and illness are not negotiable.

Life

Elementary school - I can't wait until middle school.
Middle school - I can't wait until high school.
High school - I can't wait until I get to college.
College - I can't wait until real life starts.
Real life - I wish I was back in elementary school.

The older I get...

The more I look into my past the more I long for it. I know most people try to escape their past, some people go so far to disavow anything from their past. But for me, even though I live much better than I did growing up, there are a lot that I miss from my childhood. I miss the challenges we faced together, the hardships we went through as a family, and the lessons we learned.

Everyday is a choice. And my choice today is to keep focused on the path I have chosen for myself. Even amongst all the uncertainty that surrounds it.

Hebrews 13:5 - Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee