Can I handle it?

The thing that sucks as you get older, is the crushing amount of responsibility that comes with it.

Can I handle it?

I dunno. I'm still trying to figure that out.

How does one man plan for the future of his family and support his family in the present? Or is this all an illusion to hide personal ambitions and present them as noble virtues? I'm not sure either. Perhaps, I'll find at a later point in life? Or would it be too late then?

Song of the day:
The Naked and Famous - Young Blood

Sometimes

and sometimes

when you're driving home at night

and you're exhausted

and your lower back hurts

it's really nice

to call a friend

and just talk for a while

and smile.

Jake Owen - "Barefoot Blue Jean Night"

Feeling of Inadequacy

What is this I feel?

Is it depression or sadness?

This feeling of inadequacy

Can't move forward

Can't quit

I waste so much time

Thinking of everything I want to accomplish

Please calm these butterflies

as I sit crying

Xavier Rudd's - "My Missing"

College Savings

Looked into setting up a 529 College Savings plan for my unborn child.

Based on a college that currently costs $25,000 annually:

"100% of your total college costs will be $312,166. You will need to make monthly contributions of $602 to meet this cost."

http://www.savingforcollege.com/college-savings-calculator/

An Open Letter to My Unborn

I fear that you will never understand

and that my best will not be good enough

that our time together will be cut short

by the path I am trying desparately to lay out for you

I pray that you will be a better person

than I ever could be

that you will be stronger

and be able to accomplish all your dreams

I pray that you will close your eyes

and listen to your heart

unafraid

ignoring those who say you can't

and fight for what you believe

This boy, trembling before you right now

with tears in my eyes, anxious

and a love so strong

that it terrifies me

I want you to understand

that it's persistence

not beauty or intelligence that matters

I want you to know

that we will always love you

no matter what you choose

or who you become

(inspired after seeing Bassey Ikpi's "Apology to my unborn")

Church

I want to go to church

somplace not too small, not too big

where i can go and hide

pray for redemption

forgiveness

and a measure of release

from my own judgement

because there is so much to do

and so much i have yet to accomplish

Missing the City Life

Before I lived in Syracuse, I lived in Seoul, Korea, a city of about 10 million people. It's a place with excellent public transportation, good cheap Korean food, and a night life that will keep you up on the weekends.

But living in Syracuse, NY for the past 10 years has taught me a lot about life outside of a major city. It's taught me how to enjoy the finer things of life at little or no cost. Snowboarding every Monday after work in the winter? Done! Swimming in one of the cleanest freshwater lakes in the USA? Done! Running on the Erie Trail? Done! Sitting on my roof drinking beer? Done!

I've become so used to the laid back slow pace of life that is Syracuse that I was actually a bit astounded when we hit traffic outside of DC on our way down to the Outer Banks of North Carolina.

I must admit though, there's still a part of me that would love to live in a city again. If only for the wider selection of restaurant (to satisfy my foodie spirit), the night life, and the ability to see my favorite musicians.

The Good Stuff

I think back to my grandfather. A man who after the Korean War started a business and was able to send all his kids to college. And as someone who's had the many benefits of a good life, I often wonder how much of a positive impact I've made in this life, and the answer that resounds in my head is "not enough".

Years after my grandfather has passed away, I still think of him and when I do, I can't help but cry.

Summer

Summer is finally here in Syracuse and I'm digging every minute of it. From the warm breeze to the ability to wake up with just a T-shirt on. The only downer is my allergies. Urgh! I thought with summer in full swing, they'd be over by now. Boy was I wrong. And I'm not even sure what triggered them. Was there pollen in my cubicle?

Work Ethic

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?

Fort Minor - Where'd You Go?

A piano and a good voice

Sometimes all it takes is a piano and a good voice to make a great song.

Adele - Someone like you

You kissed me this morning and were gone before I could wake up and tell you that I loved you. Tell you that I'm sorry that we haven't been spending enough time together. That I would try harder to be a better husband. But I have nothing more than excuses. Or are they explanations to justify my actions? In my quest to improve our lot in life, have I missed something more important?

But there's just so much I want to do. There's so much left to do. And no matter how I look at it, there just does not seem to be enough time. I look down at my hands and I wonder they are able to accomplish all that I want.

Car Trouble and Drinking

So, YTD spending on my car? 2700 moolahs. 2700 simoleons. 2700 dollars. This car is killing my bank account.

04/21/2011 - Fuel Filter - $90
04/19/2011 - Fuel Pump - $480.64
03/28/2011 - Pre-Cat Oxygen Sensors - $312.85
01/22/2011 - Transmission Rebuild - $1786.91

I realized today that there are two things that I am struggling with right now. Car repair costs and drinking. One's killing my bank account, and the other is torpedoing my diet plan (Currently at 176 pounds, Goal? 165).

In hindsight, I should have been better prepared for this. I probably should have started saving for this kind of thing beforehand. But such is life, my entire savings plan was to just contribute as much as I can to my 401k and this is what that decision has left me with. I just need to recalibrate my plan and move forward!

Car Trouble

Argh. Found leaking fluid from my car on the snow today as I was leaving my driveway. One thing about snow, oil really stands out! After a little more than 7 years, my 2003 BMW 325i is starting to show its age. I guess it's expected as it's currently hovering around 180k miles. I'm thinking that the oil leak is coming from the oil housing gasket (predicted cost: $408).

We've even incurred expenses on the Honda!

This year is looking to be the year of the car expenses.

Current Total:
$1700 Transmission Replacement on BMW
$600 Cruise Control addition on Honda

Retirement

Ran the numbers today in a retirement calculator (http://cgi.money.cnn.com/tools/retirementneed/retirementneed_plain.html) and it told me that I need $2 million when I retire ($649,740 in today's dollars). $2 MILLION DOLLARS? That sounds like a lot of money!

And I started thinking that maybe these numbers are a little inflated. Because, won't my expenses go down after I retire? Won't my house be paid off by then? So I ran some numbers (monthly) imagining me as a retiree today. According to the calculator, based on me living 15 years after I retire, $649,740 works out to $3609 monthly. Now, that's probably a pre-tax figure, so taking into account a 25% tax bracket, that would give me after taxes $2707 ($3609-$902). Now let's compare that figure to what fixed costs I would have if I was retired today:

Property Taxes: $400
Gas: $200
Car and Home Insurance: $100
Phone: $120
Utilities: $150
Internet & Cable TV: $50
Groceries: $100
Dining Out: $200
Car Expenses: $200
Medical Insurance: $100
Travel: $400

Total Costs: $2000/month

Even with increased travel costs, my predicted fixed costs end up being less than what CNN had presented. Of course, saving more than what you predict spending is not necessarily a bad thing, especially since there's always a chance for surprise expenses. However, I do see a lot of my expenses going down: 2 cars to 1 car, less "going out" expenses, etc.

Counting Calories - Week 1

This week has been the week of counting calories. This is the first time that I'll be making a consistent effort (with the help of my smartphone) to document what I eat. And unlike the last time I tried dieting (South Beach), I don't feel like I'm giving up anything! Let's hope this lasts for some time. I'm thinking April 15?

Current Weight: 180
Goal Weight: 165

Lunch:
Turkey Burger with Lettuce, Tomato, Onion - 324 Calories
Classic Potato Chips - 150 Calories

Granted

I wish I don't take this life for granted.

Runaway

I'm back in New York and I already miss Savannah. Savannah with its clear blue sky and warm sunny days. Can summer come sooner to Central New York?

One day I'll runaway. Runaway to a warm sandy beach and dig my feet into the sand. I'll swim out into the sea and never return...

Today's song: The National - Runaway

Why?

I was driving home the other night, my back in pain, a little stressed out at work and at school, a bit worried that my car could lose traction at any time, and I found myself asking that question, the one most of us seem to ask ourselves at one point or another. Or at least in my circumstance, quite a lot. Why? Why are you doing this? And I think the answer to this questions is always complicated because it's never a single answer like some epiphany you hope to glean from some recent surprising experience. Or maybe it's not complicated but muli faceted? And that the answer may be part logical but mostly irrational. A mixture of fear of not accomplishing anything worthwhile and working at a company for the rest of my life and a naive sense of hope/optimism or belief that things will be work themselves out and it will be better. Or maybe there's a part of me that likes the pain?

I dunno.